Making up for lost time...

I have to write three posts in a row because I have quit doing homework and am insanely behind in this class. Senioritis is catching up to me in a bad way.

I'm hoping this post might be long/awesome enough to make up for missing two.

Anyway, I'd like to share a little about my Spring Break this year. I drove down to southern Florida with Emily to stay at my grandpa's condo with him and his wife Phyllis.

My grandpa is such an interesting character. He's old (obviously), has a potty mouth, and is VERY funny. I think he's also a little racist. Or very racist.

This was the greatest week of my year so far. Emily and I lived like retired people in 21-year-old bodies. We went to farmers' markets, ate fresh fruit and veggies every day with homemade meals cooked by Phyllis. We ate ice cream almost every day. We laid on the beach, sunning ourselves with all the old men in Speedos. We sat by and swam in the pools adjacent to the condos with all the old people staying there for "the season".

The first full day we were there, we went out with Grandpa, Phyllis, one of my grandpa's brothers and his wife. My great uncle Dan informed us that the old people are called "Opes" and that old people who can use handicapped parking (like my grandpa because of his lung-issues) are called "Crispy Critters".

One of the first few days we were in Florida with Billis (our combined name for Bill and Phyllis), they took us to a flea market of sorts. It was indoors and lovely. They even had 15-minute tooth-whitening. We knew we were in for a good week when Grandpa said that he asked the man at the tooth-whitening booth if he could just leave his teeth and come back. "They're like stars. They come out at night!" he said of his dentures. I think he creeped the tooth-whitening guy out. Emily and I were amused.

My grandpa is addicted to Wal-Mart. He never lives very far from one and usually makes a trip a day, unless he doesn't leave the house. Even Phyllis has fallen for Wal-Mart. She told Emily and me that she got a haircut at Wal-Mart and that it was the best haircut of her life. Bill's comment on Wal-Mart was: "This is better than land-ho--it's Wal-Mart ho!"

Bill is also addicted to hard candies...or candy in general. He used to smoke for most of his life. He quit when I was a kid and ever since I think he's been addicted to sucking on candy instead of cigarettes. However, a new development in this addiction is a certain kind of cough drops. When Phyllis brought this up, Bill's witty argument included the phrase "You go to your church and I'll go to mine!" They argued over the addiction, Phyllis calling him out, "You see?! He's addicted!" with Bill replying, "I'm really cutting back." We learned not to mention his addiction again because he could argue you to death and could not see any harm in eating cough drops when he wasn't sick. I guess he coughs more than a normal non-sick person because of his lung cancer...so maybe we'll give it to him. :)

Bill and Phyllis liked to give us lots of life advice. I think that when you hit a certain age, or are just older than someone else, you really feel that you have a right to dispense all your worldly knowledge on the younguns. Bill's wisedom included the following:
--"Summer only comes once a year!!"
--"Better not have any ice cream... might have a stroke!!"
--"SHIT HAPPENS!" (This was actually in reference to the fact that he went out in public without rubbing in all the sunscreen he put on his face and Phyllis getting on his case.)
--"Wanna stop biting your nails? Put some horse shit on them!!!"
--"Modesty is Godliness..." (We had a hard time believing this one because right after he said it, he shrugged his shoulders like he didn't really know what he was saying.)
--"If you can climb 300 feet in the air and carry a pack on your back THEN you are set for life." (This was in reference about getting work with a wind turbine company.)
--"So many pitfalls in life... you just gotta take them one at a time." (This wisedom nugget came after he didn't get a nap all day.)
--After watching a commercial about prostate problems, and having a discussion about the fact that I don't have a prostate, Bill said "If you DO have one, you can make some money! Lots of opportunities there!"

Grandpa also likes to insult people. Most of the insults come while he's driving. He's a scary driver. When he gets behind the wheel, you just have to pray that your seatbelt works and that he won't make anyone too mad. While we were watching tons of political television in the afternoons and early evenings every day, Bill commented on a speech given by President Obama. Obama stuttered a little bit while talking and Grandpa yells at the TV, "STOP STUTTERING YOU SONOFABITCH! When he starts stuttering you know it's all going down the shitter." He told Emily and me that Marco Islanders have "as many manners as an alleycat." Phyllis and Sophie (Dan's wife) said that when the two are together, they make life for waiters and other service workers hell. Sometimes they can't show their faces together at a restaurant after they go together. Dan said that he just says to Bill, "I have plenty of friends. I don't need any more, do you?" And Bill will say, "No. I just want my food." when a waiter tries to make small talk with the Foley men.

Something my grandpa and I have in common is our need for food. If we get hungry, we get cranky and angry. When we eat, we scarf before it's gone. We love food and get sad if we're too full to enjoy something that's still available.

When Bill is offended, he comes up with great phrases to communicate his true feelings. An example: "You trying to confuse me!? Get your calendar out chief! You're talking to the man who runs stuff!" This was directed to one of his brothers over the phone. My favorite example is: "I'm like a wounded elephant!!!" He said this after he told me that I left my breakfast bowl on the table and he had to take care of it. The man is a tad dramatic. :)

Bill is really good at quoting other people, though we usually don't know what he's talking about. One example of this is when he was talking about something Phyllis' aunt once said: "'You get back up there or I'll lick you!' That snot didn't have a prayer. She had a tissue AND a tongue!"

This trip to Naples over Spring Break has made me realize that it might be fun to be an old person. You can say what you want, chill all day. Watch some TV, go to bed early. Maybe watch some great National Geographic VHSs, read in the living room or sunroom all day. It's a good life.