Wild Wild West

This title has nothing to do with my blog. It's just the song I'm listening to. :)

I have conflicting feelings at the moment. They're about a lot of things, but the biggest conflict is time. I'm really excited about Spring Break now that I have awesome plans and money to fulfill these plans (in Florida!!) but it means that when we get back the semester is half over. Seeing as how I have no post-graduation plans and that I'm not ready to leave all my friends, I'm dreading it. The worst part, honestly, will be the fact that my friends will be all spread out. I'll still have quite a few staying at Concordia (either for a 5th year or because they're underclassmen), and the others graduating with me will be spreading out all over the world. I love having everyone within a 2 mile radius of where I live. I've come to appreciate small-town life--which I never thought would happen. I live in a bigger city and I always thought that was where I was meant to be--in the cities. After almost four years here, I've realized that it's the people that make it awesome. Who cares where you live as long as you have great people to be with?

I shouldn't be worried. I'm a social person. I make friends easily. Every year at Concordia I've made new friends and hung out with a huge variety of people. Even this year, I'm constantly making new friends and finding new people to be with. I just love my Concordia family more than anything in the world. And I'm afraid of losing contact with people here. I know that we can try to keep in touch. I'm pretty good and keeping relationships with people long-distance...but it never fails that our relationship just is never the same. We talk--but there are huge gaps between when we talk. We visit--but there are even bigger gaps between visits. It's not the same as living near each other and communicating constantly. The transition from high school/home to college was so easy. I was very scared then, though. I know I can survive this next transition. I just know that Concordia is the best place I've ever been/lived and why change something that's so great?

It's weird that I have these feelings. It makes me sound like I'm not ready to "grow up", and in a sense, I'm not. But I've been mature for most of my life. I'm the kid in my family who grew up the fastest and took care of my responsibilities. I feel like now I'm reverting. I want the carefree life of a teenager. I don't want a stuffy 9-5 job where I'm indoors, stuck under fluorescent lights all day, then I trudge back to my home to my cats, tired because of the lameness of my job. I want a life where I'm out and about all day, meeting people, building relationships, enjoying the beauty of the outdoors.

This is a topic I keep coming back to...but it's because it's the biggest thing in my life at the moment. What I'm failing to do and why this makes my stomach churn when I think about it is because I'm not putting it into God's hands. I always forget that he has a plan and he won't let my life become dull or utterly miserable if I follow His will.

But what in the world is his will?? Have I missed it already? How does he let me know what it is? Text messaging? Highly doubtful. What if I've already screwed it up because I've wasted any little talent that he gave me to strive toward my goals?? I should have tried harder at my academics in college. I should have focused more on my faith and building it up instead of ignoring it and doubting it. I should have had a job since freshman year and been saving so I'm not cast to the streets because I'm too poor upon graduation.

I shouldn't have been lazy in my academics. This is my major college regret. I started out in college as a Biology major because I wanted to be a veterinarian or work in a zoo or train dolphins (most of which I still want to do!) but I took General Chemistry my freshman year. I got a C-, it was a four-credit class, took lots of work, and I did the minimum. Because of this low grade, and another in another four-credit class, it sunk my GPA. The rest of my college career has consisted of taking classes that I know I can get A's and B's in easily so that I can keep my scholarships so that I can stay in college, here at Concordia. This means I changed my major to communications and played around with a Business major. Those classes were too challenging for my minimal effort so I dropped that into a minor...which I then dropped last semester even though I only needed one more class...but it was too hard. I dropped the class which meant dropping the minor. Now I'm finally ending up with a Communications major and a marketing minor. I love communications, especially marketing...but I'm just not sure I'm built for a corporate job.

I don't want to wear suits. I don't want to wear dress pants and dress shirts. I want to wear jeans/shorts and t-shirts. I want to wear my fake-Converse everyday. I want to focus and deal with people and/or animals. Maybe I could teach kids about animals somehow. I don't know. I just don't know what to do.

Well, I truly wish this was a more interesting but it's what's on my mind. :) Next time I hope to have some interesting stories about spending a week at my grandpa's condo in FL with a bunch of old people on the beach.

Peace out.
Alicia