Sugar - Less

When I was a little girl, I lived in a no-sugar household. I mean it. Unless it came in natural form, in fruit, in honey or other such products, that was the best it got. I used to have to eat Kix with no sugar, Cheerios with bananas on top, sparkling water instead of pop, popsicles made in those Tupperware molds from juice that came out of a can. Imagine if you will, licking frozen orange juice while your neighbors have lips of blue from their plastic tubes of Mr. Freezes. I was always embarrassed to bring birthday treats to school because my mom would make Carob (anyone know what this is) Cupcakes with fructose or Spiced Cake with honey frosting. Everybody hated them.

The only time this was different was when we had tomatoes from our summer garden. I guess it was something that my mom couldn't imagine not having sugar alongside. So what would I do? I would sprinkle sugar on top of my tomato until my mom would threaten, "Laurie, I think that's enough" and I'd always try to get one more sprinkle on the tomato.

The funny thing about me and if you know me well, you know I hate tomatoes. I hate their texture; I hate their seeds; I hate the slimy-ness of them, the sound they make when squeezed. When I watch Rachael Ray or another Food Network star squeeze them over a pan, I shiver.

And I knew when I was allowed the one pleasure of sprinkling sugar on those summer tomatoes that I would have to eat the tomato. But I ignored the tomato at first. I would literally take my fork and slide my tomato-topped sugar onto my plate and lick it with my tongue. Yes, there were some tomato guts attached to it, but it didn't matter. The sugar was for once not forbidden. But eventually, the sugar would be gone and all that would be left would be the tomato, guts, seeds and slimy redness left on my plate. I would have to sit there until I gagged it all down. Usually after another ultimatum from my mother - "You have until the big hand is on the ____ to finish eating that tomato."

As I think about that memory today, I wonder how I still do this in my life. How I know the tomato is under there, slimy and evil with each gag-reflex capacity. But I still pile on the sugar. Knowing that eventually, the sugar will be gone, the lovely sweetness licked to kingdom come. And I will come face to face again with that tomato.

What if I would put less sugar on top? What if I made the gagging down of it quicker? What if I chose not to ignore the fact that I do the same thing over and over again, always knowing what the outcome will be?

It makes me wonder what the sugar in our lives covers up. It makes me wonder why I desire it there in the first place -- that to mask, is better than to taste. That to relish first artificially is more important than to pay attention to what lies there naturally.

Tonight, I am frustrated by sugar.
~LZH